Number One in the Infernal Wastes G!

Recently I’ve been watching clips on YouTube of a show (now over) called Aqua Team Hunger Force. It’s disgusting, completely inappropriate on almost every level, and pretty funny. That however is not my observation. 

I’ve arrived at the theory that all characters in the show are already dead and in Hell. They don’t know they’re dead so they are making no attempts to get out or move on as per Dante’s Inferno.  Or Jerry Pournell’s Inferno. 

My evidence for the theory is as follows:

1. Everyone dies in the show. Some more than others and always violently. They’re alive again the next episode. 

2. They’re not phased by hideous monsters. These monsters are common and often act like ordinary neighbors until they violently disfigure or kill the main characters. Mostly their Jersey-ite neighbor Carl is the victim. Not that he doesn’t deserve it. 

3. Almost every part of their cartoon world is fatally dangerous and indifferent to everyone else in it. Although Frylock is protective of Meatwad. 

4. Almost every part of their world is miserable and cruel to everyone else in it. 

5. Almost everyone is a personified inanimate object, except Carl. 

If I had to guess I’d say the only characters that might possibly realize their situation and start finding their way through Hell would be Frylock and maybe Major League Baseball Star John Ruck. 

Feel free to add or refute the theory in the comments below. 

Liveblogging Jurassic World

The following movie review is from the website ACE of Soades HQ and can be found here: http://ace.mu.nu/. It's not a movie review website but often provides me with hours of entertainment. 

Jurassic Park World live blog 

How man times can the dinosaurs escape in Jurassic Park before they officially change the name of the resort to The Island of Unloved Children?
I really don't like these movies. I don't get them. I liked the first one okay and I kinda liked the third, but how many times can we see some mumbo-jumbo ("we genetically grafted Laser Beam Cannon DNA into the velociraptor because we thought it would make it more docile"), the same failed security system, the same kids in danger, the same Godzilla vs. Rodan fight?
This new one doesn't even star a dinosaur. It's just Godzilla.
Also, I swear, the special effects look worse and worse.
Update: Lena Dunham's boyfriend just said he would marry her "when they finally get the kinks worked out of Jurassic Park's security systems. And also, when they have Jurassic Park."
Update: This is like Harry Potter with more velociraptors and less quidditch.
Update: Private Pyle has a plan to, and I'm quite serious, release the velociraptors into the wild, trusting that they will follow orders like troops and hunt Godzilla for them.This is his plan. He thought about this before doing it.
I'm just waiting to find out if it works!!! Sounds crazy, but they called Charles Manson crazy too, and look at what he accomplished!!!
Update: the raptors are wearing Hannibal Lecter style anti-bite masks. I guess that makes sense. In a stupid kind of way.
Update: How long can Chris Pratt run/drive around with a bad-ass rifle looking like a bad-ass with a rifle without ever actually firing said rifle? So far, it turns out the answer is "the whole movie."
Maybe they should have just given him a walkie-talkie to aim at the monsters.
Update: Okay, prepare for a shock: The "let's set the raptors loose to hunt Godzilla plan" did not go according to plan. In fact, if you can believe this -- it seems to have made things worse.
Plot twists -- I love 'em!!!
Update: Private Pyle's all like, "My Attack Plan Raptor didn't work...? Whuhhhh...? Whuh duh fuh...?
Update: the movie wants me to worry that the raptors will kill the black guy but black people don't die in movies anymore except like a wise grandmother in a Tyler Perry movie
Update: When the wise grandmother dies, she grabs the heroine's hand and says, "Always... remember... where you come from..." and then everyone's like "so wise" and "what a light shining in the world" and then they play a song by Boyz 2 Men
Update: now they're in the back room where the Evil Science is performed and they're looking at Evil Aquarium Tanks
Update: Private Pyle is explaining his Evil Plan to field an army of dino-soldiers. No, I'm not kidding. Something about "Nature wants to help us fight for FREEDOM" or something
Update: He was just killed by a dinosaur. I never saw that coming. IRONY!!!
Update: I still don't think Chris Pratt has shot his rifle. Or even used it as a club. He just carries it around like a pocketbook.
Update: the raptors just want to be friends
Update: it's the same Climax situation as in the first Jurassic Park only stupider and with Godzilla instead of T Rex
Update: Chris Pratt is finally firing his gun. It's okay though because it's completely ineffectual.
Update: Oh God. I didn't think it could get dumber. It just did.Guess who they enlisted to fight for them? Hint: His name rhymes with Shmyrannosaurus Schmex. Why not just get those two little Japanese girls in the clamshell and summon Mothra?
Update: Schmyrannosaurus Schmex seems to outmatch the new one. Proving the original is better than the sequel.
Update: T. Rex is down. I think it would be awesome if he just started laughing, and the other monster didn't know what he was laughing about, but then the other monster started laughing just because, and then you see T. Rex has a BIG GUN STRAPPED TO HIS BACK WITH CHRISTMAS TAPE!!! Yippie ki-yay, Muppet-Felter!
Update: the sea monster just jumped out of nowhere to end the fight. It reminds me of "there's always a bigger fish" in the Phantom Menace.
Update: T. Rex is walking away, beaten but unbroken, like he's fucking Rocky. Like, we were all just rooting for him to go the distance against the Champ. Oh T. Rexy, you showed so much heart!!!
Update: tearful goodbyes. Several actors seem kind of embarrassed.
Update: They should sell bags in the gift shop that say "My kid went to Jurassic Park and all I got was this bag of his half-digested remains."

Credits joke: a bunch of people were credited for allegedly writing the "screenplay" and the "story." LOL. Good one!

The Truth Is Out Of Talent

After watching the first episode of the six part X Files mini series I have only one question. Did they all forget how to act since the series ended?  I had trouble following the story because of all the hammy acting punctuated by $.25 words used in lieu of actual drama. 

It seemed like they would burp out some over dramatic unnecessary word when a normal one with a little talent behind it would have done nicely. I happen to know that that guy who played the "conservative" conspiracy theorist is a pretty good actor. This leads me to believe that either

A: it's a director problem. 

B: they're all just phoning it in for a paycheck. 

I suppose there's another option. The first episode in many tv series often has poor acting because people are still getting used to the script and the other actors. We usually don't notice this until we re watch the early episodes and realize how far they've come. I hope this is the case because that one was a real stinker. 

And why does Scully have such a long face?

Super Cowboy!

I've not seen the Johnny Depp version of The Lone Ranger but my youngest son said it was a pretty good movie. I've heard some preachy things about it but I won't comment on them here because I don't have the info to do so.  

Forget Canon and Watch My Movie!

 I remember there was a 1980's version of the Lone Ranger that, if I remember correctly was filmed in it's entirety with Vaseline on the lens.

Someone want to clean that lens?

How Many Concussions is Too Many?

Amazon Prime now has some episodes of The Lone Ranger available without charging an extra $1.99 per episode. After some viewing I've noticed that the Lone Ranger has an uncanny ability to know exactly what the bad guys are thinking based on information only the viewing audience knows. 

Also, he and Tonto must have cast iron skulls as evidenced by their ability to recover from being pistol whipped on the head, in the very next scene. This information added to the tight-fitting unitard-like cowboy suit and mask ensemble, leads me to the following conclusion. The Lone Ranger is not a cowboy but instead he's an old west superhero. Unlike Zorro (who I also put in the superhero category) he has chosen to go capeless.  Please forgive me if this "Super Cowboy" theory is nothing new but it's just occurring to me.  Now stand by for my next blog post: A Study On Those Crazy Red Shirts in Star Trek.  What gives!?

Cross Anatomy

This chart is from a website called Wrong Hands ( wronghands1.wordpress.com ). I've got to hand it to the creator of this, Mr. John Atkinson.  This works and can be plugged in to most movies I've seen.  However I'm unfamiliar with the majority of Art House films so I'll have to take his word for it in that category.  However I can picture myself running away screaming from the movie theater sometime during the "abrupt arbitrary edits" segment of the film.  By minute 270 I'd probably be looking for refuge at the bottom of a Jack-In-The-Box milkshake, trying desperately to unsee whichever art house film I'd subjected myself to.  Or bleeding from my eyes.

I tried to plug in the recent Hobbit movies since I've been recently re-watching them.  Yes, I know.  Hobbit purists please curb your anger.  I've read it too and know how much filler was added.  I choose to enjoy them for what they are and take solace in the fact that Jar Jar isn't involved.  And no, I don't consider Radigast the Brown to be the Jar Jar of the Hobbit movies.  Anyway... where was I?

Oh yes, the Hobbit movies would have to combine the "Action" with the "Sci-Fi" to work here in my opinion.  I had to look up who John Williams is because I suppose I'm not enough of a movie geek to already know he did the music for the Star Wars prequels and the Harry Potter movies. For the "Action" influence the tacked-on white orc works for the "heavily accented villain" but "AC/DC" would probably have to be replaced with, I don't know... Enya?  The cable car sequence part is represented by the goblin bridge chase/fall in the first movie and the barrel ride in the second movie.

For the "Sci-Fi" part of the mash-up the "techno-babble" is easily replaced with the history of Dale and the King Under the Mountain.  And "angry orcs and dragon" fills in nicely for the "angry robots...".  After that I don't think any other changes are necessary.

For your homework in the comments section, please create your own timeline for the following movie types not shown in the chart:

Buddy Comedy

Christmas Movie

Thriller (Basic Instinct, for example)

Kids Movie

Other

Enjoy!

Bennie and the Invisible Jets

In 2017 we are to be treated to a new Wonder Woman movie. Allegedly it's been in the works since 2001 but changes directors and writers more than a few times. As of the writing of this post they have exactly one actor on board. Wonder Woman is to be played by Gal Gadot!  Yeah, I don't know her either. 

Until then we have MeTV.  Saturday nights on the MeTV network present a raft of science fiction tv shows. They include the old, live-action Batman, Wonder Woman, Star Trek, Svengoolie (a monster movie host in the vein of Elvira) (Elvira, by the way had the best pinball game of all time and if I had an extra $6,000. lying around I'd have one of my own) (just so you know) then there's Lost In Space and some under-sea show. 

D'oh, Little Buddy!

Anyway the episode of Wonder Woman called "Amazon Hot Wax" (Yes really!) is what I found most intriguing. I was ready to settle in to a show about how South American Nazis had infiltrated Company X or Government Agency Y but to my surprise that didn't happen. I know!  I'm as surprised as you. I figured since it's Wonder Woman then that's a given. Kind of like that episode of Gilligan's Island when they almost get off the island but then Gilligan does something goofy and messes it all up. 

The Real Kenny Loggins

This episode was about the music industry and how some Kenny Loggins look-alike faked his own death so his album would go platinum. His agent with a bushy '70s mustache was then forced to pay ransom to some sleazy character with a bushy '70s mustache to get the last songs of the "dead" Kenny Loggins clone (KLC). Other musical acts also play a part in the episode. There's a brother sister "Carpenters" type of act and a trio band in white-painted faces just out for a good time. One of which has a bushy '70s mustache. By this time I started missing the South American Nazis. 

Linda Carter was under cover as a new singer that sounded a lot like Karen Carpenter. As it turns out KLC ended up playing the role of damsel in distress after it was learned he was still alive via clues found on the cover of his last album that looked curiously like the cover of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. 

In the end Wonder Woman was able to foil the plot of the villains with the help of the zany white-faced trio (one of which had a bushy '70s mustache.) and the fake "Carpenters" turned out to be in league with the villain with the bushy '70s mustache. Judge Reinhold was one of the fake Carpenters and one of the zany white-faced trio was none other than the Working Class Dog, Rick Springfield. He wasn't the one with the bushy '70s mustache. 

Judge Reinhold

Rick Springfield

Here's Diana singing.

The Afterparty... OF DOOM!

Life without cable/satellite service can be a little hard on a sports fan. However it does give me opportunity to reconnect with classic media such as radio. Baseball is good on radio, football is OK but I still get that on regular TV. Basketball on radio is miserable. When I want something other than sports and nothing of interest is at the dollar cinema I do have one other option than regular antenna TV. Amazon Prime via the Wii game console. I'm sure it's not as extensive as Netflix when it comes to movies and TV shows but it provides quite a bit of viewing material. Another drawback is that some titles are not included in our membership and have an additional charge but we've only had to do that one or two times.

A new feature of streaming TV seems to be shows made exclusively for streaming services. Amazon has been showing the pilot episodes for a bevy of new shows it is producing to do just that. I watched two recently. One was a comedy about a Los Angeles pro football team and the zany hijinks of its new owner. She was the wife of the owner but he died and she took over. Oh and she's a former cheerleader so the writers have some built-in jokes when they need them. It wasn't bad but I think they tried too hard to be "edgy" read: filthy and inappropriate for anyone under 30.  I won't lie and say I didn't find parts of it funny, I did. I just think it could have been done in a PG 13 format and still maintained the humor.

Another pilot I watched was called The After which hinted in the promo that it was a post apocalyptic drama that gets you started right before the apocalypse happens. It caught my attention because I'm interested in the sociology of survival and it was produced by Chris Carter of X-Files fame. It starts with a vaguely European woman with a family but she's on a trip to California to audition to be an actress. The day starts off just fine and there's a little foreshadowing with an unexplained gathering of police officers here and there. Not long after her audition some confusion happens and she's thrown together with a group of people that hate each other.  All the power goes out, phones don't work, no one knows what's going on.  To quote Michael Binkly, It's all higgledy-piggledy! At this point the band of heroes and anti-heroes are trapped in a parking garage and one or two "mysterious" things happen. Unexplained creepy figures walking by without the panic everyone else is going through, that sort of thing.  A couple of the group escape the automatically closed gates of the garage and try to get help for the others.  Outside it's a scene of s-l-o-w-l-y developing chaos.

Later the happy band of survivors gets back together and after the requisite mob scene, gunfight, hate filled tirades (lots of those), they get to the stately manor of one of the party.  All the while you are kept in the dark about the source of the new found apocalypse. So lets look at our options.

The Crisis could be:
1. Robot Apocalypse: example, The Terminator
B. Zombie Apocalypse: take your pick, it moves as slowly as "The Walking Dead" but there are so many options.
5. Terrorism: Live Free or Die Hard
6. Extra Terrestrial: meteor, aliens
C. Other: It is Chris Carter making this thing after all.

At the house we're treated to more fussing, some class warfare tirades, and finally a hostage standoff that leads us to the big reveal. Oh, before the hostage standoff we find another clue to the show.  All of the group have something strange in common but the show's not gonna tell you any more than that. A chase in the woods after the hostage standoff brings all the survivors back together and suddenly "it" appears and understandably freaks out the group (above image). In the span of a few seconds some more clues are revealed but you'd probably have to search for them on Internet conspiracy websites.  Have at it if that makes you happy.  I watched until the end of the credits just in case there was another clue or two but no luck.

Think X-Files mixed with Millennium reformatted for today's TV market.  I'd watch more episodes of the show but I'm not sure the rest will be a part of the free service.  Here's the website that has all the shows they're putting out.  I couldn't get past the first 10 minutes of the "gritty cop drama".

On The Rocks

Our old friend and part time movie reviewer Lance Boyle found this review for the movie 2012: Ice Age on Netflix. Yes, he's still paying for that silliness. Try not to give him too hard a time about it. It's either that or watch Xanadu on his Betamax for the 418th time. Anyway, despite the source, funny is funny.

"This movie was actually written and directed as an extra credit assignment by mrs. Jones' fourth grade special-education class at the school for borderline intellectual functioning children. They recieved an F minus, and were all subsequently executed for crimes against humanity. I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants. This was the dumbest movie that I have ever, in all of my life seen, ever, ever, ever. A crack smoking walrus and a bowl of corn flakes could have written a better plot line, and likely done a better job of acting. I would have torn my eyes out while I was watching, but the thought of having this abortion of a movie be the last thing I ever saw was beyond my ability to stomach. I have decided to spend the rest of my life trying to turn dog excrement into edible party favors, because that makes much more sense than this movie did. Lastly, if you ask me if I feel that I wasted an hour and a half of my life watching this assault on human dignity, I would answer with a resounding NO! After watching this 90 minute compilation of ultimate stupidity, I have lost at least 50 points from my IQ, and can now become a politician."

Well put.

So if you miss the halcyon days of Airport or The Towering Inferno or more recently Armageddon or Volcano then have at it. Otherwise you could just light $40 on fire instead of wasting it on the theater that made the poor choice of screening this grease trap of a movie. On a side note, That's Armageddon! looks pretty good.

trailer for Xanadu

trailer for 2012: Ice Age

trailer for Airport

trailer for The Towering Inferno

trailer for Armageddon (trailer for That's Armageddon!)

trailer for Volcano

Steampunk, For Kids!

This review of Hugo (based on the book: The Invention of Hugo Cabret) was submitted by one of TDP's many adoring fans, Lance Boyle. Some names may have been changed to protect the innocent. Enjoy.

On Saturday afternoon, the family went to the Big City (Houston, not Tomball) to see the movie Hugo in 3D at the Edwards Theater on I-10. Just before we went into the auditorium, Jedediah said he had to go to the restroom. It just so happened that the elder George Bush was in there at the time, too. Aside from the two Secret Service agents, Jed and George were the only ones in the very small restroom.

After the movie, Percephonie said, "Just think, Jed. You can go to school and tell people that you saw George Bush at the movie theater." Sensing some bragging rights, Jedediah said, "No. I can tell people that I saw George Bush in the restroom at the movie theater."

Atta boy!

It was a very good movie. Well-acted. Well-directed. Well-filmed. It is rated PG, but only for what I would consider mild stuff (such as a dog chasing a boy a couple of times, a man in a bathtub while wearing a union suit, the implication that a dad died in a museum fire, an orphan stealing an apple and crescent roll for a meal, and a few people smoking). There wasn't a single foul word in the movie. I don't even think there was an "OMG!" in it. I thought it was rated G, since it is no worse than many classic animated Disney movies, such as Bambi or Peter Pan. I'm guessing your kids would like to see it if they haven't already, but I think it's leaving theaters. Check it out on imdb.com if you are concerned about the rating.

Trailer for Hugo

Trailer for Bambi

Trailer for Peter Pan

TDP Just Got Smaller!

As of Wednesday June 29th 2011 you no longer have to squint, turn your phone sideways, or zoom multiple times on your smart phone/mobile device in order to read Ten Dollar Popcorn on said mobile device. I'm a giver. From now on when you read the current episode or browse the archives for a well deserved laugh, it will look like this:
Feel free to continue to enjoy your monthly edition on your desktop/laptop computer. This is just another service I offer to you at no extra charge. You're welcome.

Tron Maud 'Dib

In 1982 a friend of mine and I were just geeky enough to be the first in line on the first show of the first day of release for Tron. It was a cool movie and I had no idea it was a Disney movie, not that it mattered. We saw it at Southway 6 Theaters which is now a dollar cinema if I'm not mistaken. Which I suppose is ironic in this case (3:00). Years later Netflix gives me the opportunity to watch the movie again with the kids. I still loved it and the boys liked it but thought the computer animation was kind of weak. 29 years of advancement in computer animation might tend to jade the young'uns I reckon.

Then a friend of mine who also has Netflix told me he could no longer get the movie on the service. I wondered why because we had just watched it. Based on no knowledge whatsoever I concluded that it was simply being re-packaged for re-release after the new Tron movie was headed for DVD. I stand by that theory even though I have to this date done no research to back it up. So now months later, both movies are available on Netflix so I decided to send for it again followed by the new Tron movie, Legacy. It turned out to be a good choice because the boys liked the first movie better the second time they watched it and then a few days later we got to see the new one.

Tron is about a computer technology company (ENCOM) that is taken over by an unscrupulous English person (because they make great villains) who steals the work of a co-worker (Kevin Flynn) and attains the title of Senior Executive of the company due to the success of the stolen software. Flynn (our hero) is reduced to carving out a life by owning a video arcade filled with the games he designed but gets no credit for. He and two former co-workers from ENCOM decide to break into the company computer to get the evidence to give credit where credit is due. Hilarity and Hijinks ensue.

Tron Legacy is about Flynn's grown son (Sam) following his father into the digital world of ENCOM after realizing that he was trapped there all these years and didn't just abandon him. The computer animation didn't disappoint. They even had a "young" Flynn in the computer in addition to the "real" Flynn. The effect was almost perfect, except for the mouth. I'd say more but what I don't know about digital effects would fill a warehouse, or two. Therefore, since I am simply an internet blowhard, who am I to criticize?

Anyway as I was watching the movie and enjoying it, for the most part, I was wondering what was wrong with it. The effects were great and the story was above average, if only slightly. I mean movies with truly awful stories are blockbusters that linger in the theaters long after their expiration date so what was up with this one? It hit me when I was talking to a neighbor who was watching it with his kids the same way I was, on Netflix one after the other. It suffered from what I call the "Dune Effect". I'll explain what I mean by that but give me a minute because I just thought of it...

Ok, got it now.

The movie Dune was created from an incredible story that could have actually been two movies because there was just that much material that could have been explored. Not because the production company wanted to keep shaking the money tree like they're doing with a certain series of movies about a young outcast wizard who can't seem to catch a break. I can expand upon that book and movie series but that's another column. Hoo Boy! Don't get me started. As I was saying it was a good story but the movie moved like an 16 ton brick of jello pudding blocking the main street of Dead Horse Alaska in January. Too much to digest even for people who like that sort of thing. Sorry, I know I didn't have to explain that metaphor, I just felt obligated.

Tron Legacy was like that, only on a smaller scale. It was just slightly too much to digest in one sitting. Like that piece of cheesecake at the end of a meal at the hotel ballroom that you know you're too full to eat but dadgummit you just don't go to these things that often and you don't have to clean the table since it's at a hotel and it's a piece of cheesecake for cryin' out loud and you know it's going to be good. Heck, even if it's only pretty good then it's good enough because you don't have cheesecake everyday, amiright!

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. The Dune/Tron Legacy thing. No, I'm not saying Tron Legacy was as good a story as Dune. What I am saying is that Tron Legacy would actually have been a good book without ever being a movie. Yes, really. See for yourself.

Tron Legacy (the movie) C+

trailer for Tron 1982

trailer for Tron Legacy

trailer for Dune

My Name Is Dave

For several years now Alvin and the Chipmunks has been a staple in our household's rotation of DVDs. It's not played weekly, or even monthly but it gets a viewing once a quarter or so. What I'm trying to say in so many words is that, as kids movies go, it's not a miserable steaming pile of cow poop. My kids like it and it doesn't irritate me like, say, Happy Feet does. The kids have seen the second installment of the Chipmunks movie The Squeakquel and enjoyed it, as far as I know. I seemed to find other things to occupy my time when it was on our TV. Now I don't want to sound superior by that statement. I'm sure if I was in a dollar movie theater, or a lifeboat, I would most assuredly have given it my undivided attention. My point is that they have given no indication that they want to own a copy of "AatC2:TS" so I'm in no hurry to find it, new or used.

If you haven't seen it but you have seen the cartoon from the '60s (I think) then you know the theme of the story. The plot is a little more "Hollywood". By that I mean they have to start with some background information about the Chipmunks, even if they have to make it up and bypass any sense of presumption. I mean, with the cartoon I don't think too many viewers were concerned as to how Dave Seville and the singing chipmunks met. It was a cartoon. I know there was a cartoon in the '80s also but after an episode or two I couldn't watch it anymore so I cannot knowledgeably comment on it here. If that one explored the origins of Dave and the chipmunks then feel free to let me know it the comment section. However I did own an LP copy of Chipmunk Punk (pre-dates the '80s cartoon) that was often shown on commercials as a mail order item but I think I got it in a record store. It's rendition of Let's Go by The Cars was my favorite. At least that's the one that still finds it's way into my head on occasion. Don't feel bad though, it's a useful song when used to dislodge mind-numbingly irritating songs that get stuck in my head. NO! Not Friday. Are you kidding? That song's awesomely awesome. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Actually that reminds me of a show I saw recently. Let me preface this by saying I'm not a big fan of sitcoms anymore. What I'm about to tell you should prove that. When browsing channels late one night I stumbled across a rerun of My Name Is Earl. I remember seeing previews of the show but didn't ever give it a second look. I don't know why I watched this one episode for that matter. Maybe it was because the title character, Earl, had a familiar voice. It was Dave Seville from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie! I'll admit it took me a scene or two to figure that out. I honestly don't know if it's still making new episodes but the show I saw was about Earl, his brother, and a lunatic stealing a bookmobile and him making amends for it years later. By the way, Earl making amends for past transgressions is the whole point of the show.

Another thing is that it also took me a while to figure out that Earl's slow witted sidekick was his brother. I think his name is Randy. I've seen about four episodes now and of those, three got a chuckle out of me. Which is more than I can say about the Simpsons nowadays. On that note I recorded two Simpsons episodes last month to see if it was still up to snuff and was achingly disappointed. The Earl character is a long way from the Dave Seville character which I think in "the biz" they call "range" but I'm happily not in "the biz". He's likeable in both guises so I think we'll call that "talent".

It seems I haven't actually given any real information about either the movie Alvin and the Chipmunks or the show My Name Is Earl. That being the case, let your heart be your guide when deciding to watch either of these... um, recordings? I won't dissuade you from either.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: C+
My Name is Earl: B-

trailer for Alvin and the Chipmunks

trailer for Happy Feet

My review for Happy Feet

trailer for The Squeakquel

1960s Alvin and the Chipmunks

1980s Alvin and the Chipmunks

Chipmunk Punk

Friday

My Name is Earl TV show

Whither Rockycop?

I think it was in 1989 that a friend of mine called me up and told me they were filming Robocop 2 downtown in my city. He asked me if I wanted to go and see if we could watch some of it being filmed. Not being a common thing around here I decided to go with him to see what we could see. The majority of what we saw turned out to be the opening sequence of the movie. lots of storefronts were covered with facades and were painted in neon colors. There was a parking lot upon which was being built a wooden structure for the sole purpose of being destroyed in the movie. I don't remember being too excited until we found out that something was actually being filmed the moment we were there.

It was a scene in which Robocop was stepping out of his police car and the shot was of the bottom of a car door and his foot hitting the street. "All right!" I thought, "I get to see Peter Weller!" Sadly, no. It was Robocop's leg but it wasn't Peter Weller in it. Not being aware of the economics of Hollywood at the time, it didn't occur to me that having Mr. Weller in the robotic leg would cost considerably more than "Ernie Muckenfuch" in said leg. They must have filmed that leg coming out of the car 700 times. Hard as it may be to believe, it got a little old after about the 643rd time. I know, I'm as surprised as you! Anyway we had our fill and since they were in no hurry to include our (most likely) grubby selves in the movie, we made our exit.

Now I told you that story to tell you about this one. Much to my dismay, I read the following in a recent article:

"There are not any plans to erect a statue of RoboCop," the response on Bing's Twitter account read. "Thank you for your suggestion."-Dave Bing, Mayor of Detroit


Now don't get me wrong, the fact that I read it didn't dismay me, it was the content. Just getting that out of the way. Read the full article here. But still, the injustice of it all (no pun intended). Clearly Hizzoner has no intention of lifting a little finger to revive his threadbare city! No, they don't have to put it up at the top of a set of stairs or in front of a police station. Such prominence might detract from the poetic beauty of the city. Instead they could put it in a more appropriate place such as the basement of a crumbling building, or maybe a chemical waste facility. Surely there are more than one of those around there.

Think of the tourist trade! The dollars lost simply by people trying to find the statue would reach in the hundreds at least! Am I overusing my interjections in this paragraph!? I'm afraid we must consign ourselves to the fact that, at least in the Bing administration, Detroit will have to carry on without it's shining example of heroism.

Missed opportunities.

trailer for Robocop

trailer for Robocop 2

p.s.-In keeping with continuity of this site, I think I saw Robocop 2 in a dollar cinema. Or maybe not.

Mamma Dearest

Please welcome our guest blogger for this edition, Brick Lunkknuckle. Mr. Lunkknuckle has been a long-time reader of TDP and provided the following submission for your reading enjoyment. For those of you out there who are husbands and have run this gauntlet, you will heal.

Every man does things for his wife for no other reason than to make her happy. It’s the nature of marriage. We squawk and brag about wearing the pants in the family, but you know there are things that you do that you would rather not let the other guys know about. And I’m not talking about holding her purse, going to the opera, or not smacking her brother even when he really deserves it. Those belong to a category of stereotypical things that every man does, and if you do something in that category, we all nod inwardly and think of a similar thing we do for our own spouse. No, I’m talking about the really embarrassing things that you’d rather not anyone know about. Things like donning a dress so she could pin the hem. Or learning what a word like ‘taupe’ or ‘taffeta’ means and correctly using it in a sentence. Or watching ice dancing. Unless you’re a Neanderthal, there’s something your wife wants from that category, and you’ve done it.

For me, it’s listening to ABBA. Yes, that ABBA. Hiney-shakin’, pants-suit-wearin’, free-lovin’ seventies Swedish super-group ABBA. My wife, being a musical type, loves ABBA and whenever we go to her mothers’ house, the cassette goes in the car and we end up listening to their gold album of ‘hits’ (they were huge in Denmark). Now this has been going on for years, and I hesitate even now to admit it. But you can nip any manly protest of outrage or snort of derisive laughter in the bud right now, because I know there’s something comparable in your closet. If there isn’t, then you haven’t been married very long, or won’t be much longer. As stated before, it’s the nature of marriage. I bring forth this revelation for your own good and the protection of your very sanity. You see the music of ABBA was the inspiration for stage musical that ran in New York and possibly some flyover territory. It was well received by the Will & Grace crowd and was the toast of the town for some time. It was then, after that initial success, that it mutated into the movie, Mamma Mia!.

Mamma Mia! stars Meryl Streep, Remington Steele, and that British actor from The King’s Speech and tells the story of a young blonde chick getting married at the hotel her mother owns on some Greek Island . She wants to invite her dad to the wedding, but she has no idea who daddy is. So she invites the three past loves of her mother, the tramp, and wonder of impractical movie plotline wonders, they all show up at the same time! No, I’m not making this up. Now mind you, this was not a movie we rented, but rather it was one of those moments where I was tired at the end of the day, and just wanted something mindless to watch. There was nothing. And I mean nothing. No video tape shows of anyone getting racked, or “How they Make Doorknobs” documentaries. No “History of Sex”, no sports. There wasn’t even a stinkin’ “Law & Order” on, and that’s saying something. I’m not sure what happened next. I was tired, nodding off. I woke and my wife had the remote. I know, I know! You don’t have to say it. Next thing I know I’m hearing, “oh, I’ve heard this was fun,” and we were watching Mamma Mia!. I didn’t see the danger when I scanned the channels earlier. Apparently my brain didn’t even register that as a viewing possibility, sort of like a Spanish channel or BET.

My limbs were weak. I couldn’t move. The abomination that unfolded before me was sucking the very life out of me. It wasn’t a train wreck. No, a train wreck is something you watch with horrified fascination, unable to tear yourself away from the awesome spectacle of sheer raw carnage. No, my friends, this was like watching a botched liposuction. It’s not something you would want to see in the first place, but on top of that you can tell it was going horribly, horribly wrong. If you ever find yourself accidentally seeing this movie, do yourself a favor and gouge your eyes out. And it being a musical, puncture your eardrums as well. Induce vomiting. Run screaming through the nearest closed window. Do anything to distract yourself and your spouse. Set fire to the cat.

No, I shouldn’t say that. I mean, I wouldn’t want my vitriolic rhetoric to cause any harm to come to a cat. Not only would it be unfair to the cat, but the ensuing sound wouldn’t be distinct enough from that which emanates from the movie. Meryl Streep can’t sing. I mean, I know she’s the best actress of her generation. Everybody says so. You can tell because she can weep on demand and her fake accent sounds distinctly non-American whether she has a farm in Africa or a bridge in Madison County . But she can’t sing. And watching her try to sing “Money, money, money” with a backup chorus of fat Greek washer women was particularly excruciating. And as a brief aside, can we really feel sympathy for someone who is lamenting about not having enough money when she owns a freakin’ hotel on an idyllic Greek island? I mean the setup was straight from the Menopausal Wymyn’s Guide to Dream Sequences. She sings, she laments over wine with her best friends laughing and giggling about how done they are with men. I was waiting for one of them to mention that waiter, what was his name? Jean Luc!

So the daddies arrive and are implausibly stowed by babycakes up a ladder into a storage room. Seconds later Streep secretly discovers the trio and launches into the title song. Now, she seems to know she can’t sing, because while huskily belting out lyrics that have absolutely nothing to do with the situation, she is acting. I mean act-TING, man. She’s surprised! She’s flustered! She swoons indecisively! She flits under, beside and above the room, peeking in this way and that, clearly torn by long-suppressed desire and revulsion of anything with a pen1s. The words she sings are ridiculously mismatched with the scene, so she conveys emotions with her hands, her eyes, her head. I mean this made Kabuki look dull. She’s acting so hard with her whole body it was like epileptic performance art. But damn, she must have been good at it. I mean she is the best actress of her generation. Everybody says so.

Anyway, the rest of the movie went downhill from there. Stay away from this atrocity at all costs, if you value your sanity. While I mentioned the things we do for our wives above, under no circumstances should watching this movie be one of them. If only I’d had a good friend to warn me ahead of time, as I do now for you. Save yourselves. I thought it I could handle it, getting some brownie points from the wife. I was wrong. Dead wrong. I feel scarred by this event, and I only watched 8 minutes of the movie. Just think if I’d seen the whole thing. …shudder…

trailer for Mamma Mia

trailer for The King's Speech

mix of ABBA songs

Law and Order (before it became silly)

All Tomorrow's Blogs

It's a new year and I resolve to renew my tradition of one post/review per month. I actually have seen a movie or two that I plan(ned) on reviewing. Included in that category is GI Joe and Despicable Me, the former via Netflix and the latter via my trusty dollar cinema. Speaking of which, there were some changes made at said dollar cinema that I disapprove of but that's another story. Anyway I never got around to writing any of them due to several instances where life just got in the way.

In the mean time I'd like to congratulate our considerable stable of bloggers here at Ten Dollar Popcorn for earning yet another award!


2010 was a good year and it's well deserved indeed. I'd like to thank all four of our readers for their support.

Hardware Wars, Redux

It... It's like a train wreck. I couldn't stop staring at it. It's hideous, yet beautiful. When I was in High School some friends of mine and I made a movie or two on 8mm video, it didn't even have audio (we were rockin' it old school) and our budget consisted of whatever materials we could scrounge from our houses. What I'm about to introduce you to is videos with production value that is not much better than that, but there's a twist. Each video is a scene from Star Wars: A New Hope and they have been strung together in order to re-create the entire movie. I was reminded of a spoof of Episode IV called Hardware Wars when I was watching it. If I can find that on Youtube I'll link it also and you can decide for yourself.

I know what you're thinking "That sounds awful!". I can only give you partial credit for that response. It is awful, but magnificent at the same time. Dare I say, Awesomely Awesome. I'll tease you no more, the title is Star Wars Uncut and the link is below. If, in the future I can post those old 8mm movies I made with some friends then I will. Currently negotiations have stalled but we are working with a editor from the History Channel (no kidding, really!) to get them transferred to digital.

Star Wars Uncut

trailer for Star Wars

Hardware Wars Pt 1

Hardware Wars Pt 2

"I Heard You Paint Houses"

Looks like a new mobster movie is coming out from Martin Scorsese. Marty is bringing out the big guns (De Niro, Pesci) this time for a film adaptation of the true crime book "I Heard You Paint Houses" by Charles Brandt. It'll be called The Irishman after the subject of the book, Frank "The Irishman" Sheeran. It's a first hand account of the Union thuggery of Sheeran under the management of Jimmy Hoffa. "I heard you paint houses" is how Hoffa introduced himself to Sheeran. It alludes to the splatter of blood on the wall after a hitman kills his target. Sheeran was a killer, Hoffa needed a killer, it was a match made in somewhere other than Heaven. It goes on to describe the downfall of Hoffa and how Sheeran had a part in the murder and disappearance of him. It reads like one of those "of course, well that makes sense" types of solutions of history's mysteries. Of course, as good as it reads, as believable as it sounds, one never knows. I liked the book a lot but you won't catch me trotting it out as Gospel when someone suggests a theory of the final whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa.
Will it be as good as Goodfellas and Casino? They were both based on true stories too. Truth be told, I liked Goodfellas better, in part because although they changed the name of the story from Wiseguy to Goodfellas, they kept the real names of the characters. On that topic, they maintained the title of Casino but changed the names of the characters and locations in that movie. Wonder why? I think it has the potential of completing a "trilogy" of sorts if this maintains the endless soundtrack style of Goodfellas and Casino. Did anyone see the 1992 movie Hoffa with Jack Nicholson and Danny DeVito? DeVito was supposed to be a combination of several characters, including Frank Sheeran. Not a bad movie but not as good as I expected either. Still, I look forward to this movie and I will be happy to pass my brilliant musings about it on to you once it gets to my trusty dollar cinema. Oh, this one is supposed to have Al Pacino in it too. A+ in advance if he uses his Godfather voice and not his carnival barker voice he used in The Devil's Advocate.

link to article about The Irishman

trailer for Goodfellas

trailer for Casino

trailer for Hoffa

trailer for The Godfather

trailer for The Devil's Advocate

Top Gun 2: Electric Boogaloo

Can it be true? Will there really be a sequel to Top Gun? Well, all I know so far is that it'll probably be about a cocky young female pilot... er, Naval Aviator instead of a cocky young male Naval Aviator. Sadly it also seems that our old pal Maverick will not be played by Tom "glib" Cruise. On that note I kind of doubt that "Iceman" will return since Val Kilmer's, well, not in flying shape just now.

And what about the commander that was Marty McFly's principal in Back to The Future, will he make it back? I'll have to do some more research. I don't want to rely on fan sites and Hollywood gossip rags so I figure I'll just speculate wildly and if any of it actually happens then I'll claim to be a genius. I suppose since Dr. Green died in that eject scene in Top Gun then he'll probably not be back in Top Gun 2, whatever the name of it will be. Oh, wait! Maybe it can be a zombie movie and he can come back. Or, better still he can come back in some sort of Obi Wan "ghost" capacity.

Well we all know that "Mav" wanted to be an instructor for Top Gun so how will the movie makers handle that? Will they try to resolve the inconsistency with some back story or will they just gloss over and hope you forget about it like so many loose ends from the Star Wars prequels. I got it I got it! Tim Robbins can reprise his role as "Merlin" and HE can be the new Top Gun instructor and the cocky new female pilot can be his mom, Susan Sarandon. Well, no. Come to think of it, that may not work after all.

Now. for your enjoyment. The return of the Ten Dollar Popcorn Players doing their rendition of the 1st classroom scene of Top Gun. Red Robot is "Viper" and Speakerface is the new "Maverick".

Blarney and Bullets!

A few friends find unlimited joy in making fun of my taste in television shows. Particularly when I try to get them to watch Top Gear on BBC America. Now I know very little about cars. Sure, I can maintain a few things but when it comes to actual car knowledge my philosophy is:

I break it. Mechanic fixes it. Together we're a team.

But it is a car show with actual automotive knowledge distribution. But that doesn't matter because I can't afford any of the cars portrayed on the show anyway. Yet. BWA-HAHAHAHAHA! *cough* sorry. Actually, even the American made cars on the show are models they don't sell in America so there's no value there either. The show is great because of the dry and (often) self-effacing humor of the hosts. Any other description would not do it justice, you just have to see it for yourself.

While I was searching the channels one night to find an episode of Top Gear, I noticed a movie that I once had interest in seeing but not enough to pay for it. Miller's Crossing(1990) was coming on another station so I hit 'record' and noticed it was getting late so I recorded the episode of Top Gear also and went to bed.

When I finally found time to watch Miller's Crossing I found out it was a Cohen Brother's film. Despite that fact it had no young married couples trying to kidnap a baby, no 1930's chain gangers re-enacting the Odyssey, and even though it was a gangster movie, it had no hit-men being shoved in wood-chippers. This one is about an Irish mobster in the early 1930s that gets involved in a made for TV plot line. Ooh, that was kind of a harsh way to start this. Allow me to start over.

Tom (Gabriel Byrne) is the main character in this version of the prohibition mobster movie. But the strange part is, there is no "big score" or "big take down" or "escape" theme to the story. It's also not the "Biography of Tom the Mobster". So what is it? Well, for starters Tom is an advisor to a New York crime boss, not the typical drug dealer, stick-up man, assassin, or wheel man of your typical gangster movie. So he's already made it pretty far in his chosen profession. But he's got problems. He's in way over his head with bad gambling debt and he can't stop making those bad bets. His boss Leo (Albert Finney) doesn't seem to care what Tom thinks even though he's his advisor and truly seems to like Tom. He's in a love/hate relationship with Verna (Marcia Gay Hardin) that is indifferent to him as he is to her. I know, that sounds like it doesn't make sense, but if you see the movie you know what I mean. Overall he's an aggressively unappealing character. Add this room-clearing personality to a plot that has no main direction and you've got a made for TV movie. Albeit with really good directors.

Why Doesn't Tom Care?

I know I've been kind of vague about what the plot is, well that's because it's not very memorable. Tom is trying to stop a gang war between his boss and another boss. That seems like you could make a pretty good story from that right? Well, yes but then you'd probably have the main character actually apply some effort to his task. That didn't happen here. I thought, maybe if I compared this to another mobster movie, a classic, then I'd learn a little about why this one didn't appeal to me. So I watched The Public Enemy with James Cagney from 1931. This one didn't have a "big score" plot either but it was a "story of my life" movie and apparently a very popular one since it was played 24 hours a day to packed movie theaters for a while after it was released.

If this post wasn't so long already I'd break down some other mobster movies and compare them to this one so I'll be happy to leave that conversation to the comments section.

So if you want a mobster movie about a slacker wiseguy that really doesn't care about his life, job, or the people he associates with then I highly recommend Miller's Crossing to you. Otherwise go rent The Godfather, The Godfather part II, Goodfella's, Casino, or even The Public Enemy if you haven't seen it before. Just don't lose sleep over missing Miller's Crossing, and by the way don't ever watch The Godfather Part III. PeeeYoooo! What a stinker that was!

Trailer for Millers Crossing

Trailer for The Public Enemy

Trailer for The Godfather

Trailer for The Godfather Part II

Trailer for Goodfellas

Trailer for Casino

Top Gear TV show

I refuse to link to anything involving The Godfather Part III