Best Movie Review Ever

I should qualify the title. This is the best, longest, and at times most disturbing movie review ever. My first thought was to hire this reviewer for my considerable stable of bloggers at double the normal salary of my staff. However the side story of this reviewer is not safe for work, children, or pets and this is a family blog.

The horror... The horror...

However if you can get past the incidental filthy language and the alarmingly unsettling side story then it's downright funny and accurate, albeit creepy. It's what we've all thought (except for the reviewers sideplot) and many of us have said but it's never been broken down in such a matter-of-fact, if not occasionally historically inacurate, way.

These videos are about 10 minutes long each so don't be in a hurry to watch the whole thing. It's worth it.

Yes really.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven



Pizza rolls.

Alien Graffiti

I was ready. I had my mind wrapped around the notion that we were going to see Aliens in the Attic. Like a gut punch that I knew was coming I steeled myself to roll with it to lessen the damage. But then, the clouds parted and the sun came out! The suggestion was made by my wise neighbor that we take the kiddos to see Planet 51 instead. Sure it's not in the dollar cinema yet but it's a matinee and it's only a couple of bucks more so why not?

Granted, Planet 51 is also a "little green alien" movie but it's all computer animated instead of CGI mixed with live action like Aliens in the Attic. But does that make it better? In this case, boy howdy YES! Wait, wait, I'm not really being fair. I haven't actually seen Aliens in the Attic so it's not really an informed decision to call it out for the cowpie-esque stinker of a movie it appears to be in it's own trailer. Don't believe me? See for yourself and click on the link (below) to see said trailer, if. you. dare! Well now, on to the movie we did see.

Planet 51 is a pleasant little summertime kids movie that doesn't try too hard to elicit any emotions one way or another from the audience. Eye candy but the sugar-free type to be sure. Let me explain. Justin Long is "Lem" who is a young adult resident of "Planet 51" just getting his legs in the grown-up world by striking out on his own, getting his first job, and trying to get the girl "Neera" played by Jessica Biel. You'll remember Justin Long from his "nice-guy Mac" role in the Apple vs. IBM commercials that are just irritating enough to make my ears bleed. Just as Lem (get it? Lem, like the Lunar Module from the Apollo space missions? See, it's funny because... aw, skip it.) is trying to get a date with Neera she gets distracted by the local hippy-dippy protest guru who wants to protest something so the plot of this movie will do just fine for him.

The movie is set in a 1950s era America even though it's on another planet. So I guess that makes the hippie alien a beatnik. Along comes an alien spacecraft landing in the middle of little green suburbia! The spacecraft is modeled after a Lunar Module (a Lem or LM. Lem, get it? the main charact... aw, skip it.) and out comes Chuck Baker, Astronaut played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and hilarity ensues. Now we add an angry General (Gary Oldman), a military made out to be bumbling fools (I know, SURPRISE!), and a dissection-eager scientist (John Cleese). Move on to chase scene, media misunderstanding, chase scene, noble sacrifice, some shooting, chase scene, happy ending.

I called it a "Summer Movie" earlier. By that I mean a movie that has a lot of outdoor activity scenes and is usually released in the big summer movie watching season. You know, people wearing summer clothes, barbecuing, lots of sunshine and plenty of scenes with long shadows, usually a buddy movie. This led me to believe that it was intended to be a summer release when it was made but someone who makes those decisions thought it wasn't quite up to snuff. That's why it was released in November. This reminded me of a conversation I had with my brother some years ago when I wondered out loud why a particular Disney animated cow movie was released in the spring time. He opened my eyes to the fact that many stinker movies that don't go directly to video are released before peak times to go ahead and let them slide through the theaters before they release the movies they think will really be the summer or Christmas season money-makers.

Overall not a bad movie. It shouldn't be long before it gets to the real dollar cinema but I'm not disappointed I didn't wait. The kids liked it enough but they didn't ask me to go to Burger King to get the kids meal toys anymore after the movie. That tells me they weren't excited about it any longer but weren't dissatisfied with it either.

B-

Planet 51 trailer

Aliens in the Attic trailer

Disney animated cow movie trailer

Forshadow in the Attic

Going to see Aliens in the Attic on Monday with the kids and the neighbors. The things I do for you.

Wish me luck. I go in with an open mind, and a jaundiced eye. Well, not literally. Y'know, the whole "conflicted" thing so I... ah, skip it.

You'll get the full report here, uh... soon.

The Shemp Question

It's been pretty slow around here for movies recently. Attempts have been made to go and see: G-Force, Where the Wild Things Are, and Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs but all have been scuttled for various reasons. To be fair, G-Force (Disney talking guinea pig movie) is currently the only dollar movie in young Larry, Moe, and Curly's "too see" list. Even though they want to see them all. I call the young'uns Larry, Moe, and Curly but that's probably unfair to them. Larry, after all, was not a Howard, he was a Fine. I suppose to be accurate I should call them "Shemp, Moe, and Curly" as Shemp was indeed a Howard brother like Moe and Curly.

I understand that this may start a fire under some of you. I can already feel the burning embers of hatred smoulder at the very mention of Shemp. I, on the other hand hold no such contempt for Shemp. He did, after all, pre-date Curly as an original Stooge. Then Shemp was to follow him again after Curly's illness. I even hold appreciation for the signature "Shemp catchphrase" such as it was. It was usually found when Shemp was scared or in some altered state. You can hate him all you want and have at it if it makes you feel better, although I believe your ire is misplaced. Any Three Stooges related derision should be directly aimed at the two "Joe's" (Besser and DeRita) for cheapening the memory of Curly Howard. There are some out there that may try to paint Joe Besser as someone who was not trying to be a "Curly Clone" as DeRita was but with that I must disagree. The "Overgrown Man-Child" bit was a shot aimed at the mold of Curly but was so far off the mark as to be, well, just sad. Shemp was his own Stooge with his own personality and why shouldn't he be? Curly was his brother, but the two Joe's could only succeed Curly, they could never replace him.

We Hardly Knew Ye

Shemp's Catchphrase (starts at 6:01)

The Curly Shuffle

G-Force trailer

Where the Wild Things Are trailer

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs trailer

The Swayziest Christmas of Them All

Patrick Swayze passed away Monday September 14, 2009. I'll admit I never found him to be a great actor. He was, however, someone who knew what worked for him and he was able to capitalize on it. For that, he should be admired. A wise man once told me "bloom where you're planted." he did. I don't know for sure but I hope he made a fortune off of his chick flix and lowbrow action movies.

I think Mike Nelson said it best in his book Movie Megacheese:

What I really believe is that a film should be judged on how well it comes off compared with the Patrick Swayze film Road House. For Road House is the single finest American film. Certainly it stinks, but I believe the filmmakers meant it to, and succeeded grandly.

Therefore, films not containing poor performances by Patrick Swayze or Kevin Tighe will be judged harshly. Those that lack Ben Gazarra as their evil villain will be roundly castigated. There is no excuse for not telling the story of a legendary bouncer who finds love and confronts his demons at a small bar just outside Kansas City. And while adherence to a Road Housian standard certainly should be a requirement for every film, it needn't be the only requirement.

Some of you may recognize parts of this quote from when this blog was still in it's "annoy my friends with unsolicited e-mail about a movie" phase.

The Satellite of Love performed a wonderful salute to Patrick Swayze in the form of a Christmas Carol some years ago.

A Patrick Swayze Christmas

I tried to embed a video but it wouldn't let me use anything that wasn't already on my computer.

Rest in Peace Patrick.

Trailer for Roadhouse
Rifftrax Roadhouse Fight Scene

The Dark Side of the Baseball

It was a slow August. We did go see a dollar movie before school started for the kids but it was Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian and, well... y'know. There wasn't a whole lot there. If, however I think of some things about it while writing this post then I'll be sure to try and make it interesting. No, this time I'm talking about Field of Dreams. Or, maybe sports movies in general, or maybe that Hobbit movie that is supposed to be coming out in a year or so. Just stay with me, we'll find out together where this ends up.

I did see Field of Dreams the other night. I really only saw it once before if I remember correctly. Aside from the ham-handed, eye-rolling, 1960's hippie sanctimony it was very entertaining. I mean, in case you haven't seen it yet. I don't want to spoil it for you. That's just the kind of guy I am. I don't mind telling you it got me blubbering like a schoolgirl after a triple feature of Steel Magnolias, Dying Young, and... um... some other movie where Julia Roberts dies. Geez, there must be over half a dozen of those things. Anyway I was thinking of the scene near the end of the movie where Darth Vader is talking to Lt. Dances With Wolves and Vader is explaining how the field will attract visitors and he says "It's Baseball Ray". Man, that really hit home. It was right up there with all those other memorable movie lines like "Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn" , "Play it again, Sam", and "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto". Wait, none of those lines were ever actually... uh... well it doesn't matter.

I really tried, by the way, to get video of each of the lines that were actually used in the above movies but I ran into a brick wall with copyright laws and The Wizard of Oz. It did however try to steer me to the Wizard of Oz sinc-up with Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon. You may have heard the urban legend wherein if you mute the movie and start the Dark Side of the Moon album at the exact moment the MGM lion stops roaring in the opening credits then the music and lyrics follow the movie "exactly". It's entertaining but it's a bunch of bunk. No, if you want a real freak out then sinc up Citizen Kane with Weird Al Yankovic's album Poodle Hat. It was mind blowing, I couldn't sleep for days knowing the implications of what I saw.

OK, maybe I'll talk about Night at The Museum next time, or the sports movie thing. I like the sports movie thing, I could probably plow through a few paragraphs wrought with hi jinks and hilarity with little effort on my part. Stay tuned.


Trailer for Field of Dreams

Trailer for Steel Magnolias

Trailer for Dying Young

Trailer for The Wizard of Oz

Trailer for Citizen Kane

Trailer for Night at the Museum, Battle of the Smithsonian

Who's the "Sucker" Here?

I mentioned in earlier posts that I have been very interested in seeing the spaghetti western movie Duck You Sucker. I had seen A Fistful Of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, and The Good The Bad and The Ugly and really liked all of them. So when I found myself home alone for a few days I got a chance to see the lesser known Duck You Sucker I was really excited! I mean, it was the same director (Sergio Leone) as those other movies so it had to be good... right? Armed with Dr Pepper and Moon Pies (1:23) I settled in for the show.

It's about a Mexican Highwayman and his family of stagecoach robbers and how they join up with an ex-Irish Republican Army explosives expert to rob a big bank in a town taken over by the Mexican Army. Juan (Rod Steiger) is the patriarch of the band of robbers and wastes no time becoming unappealing to the audience. Sure, the movie tries to inject a reason for sympathy for Juan in a flashback scene but it pretty much falls flat. And it was kind of gross in a mastication close-up sort of way.

Before too long John (James Coburn) shows up on a motorcycle. Now as disappointing as a motorcycle is in a Western movie, it wasn't nearly as "meh" inspiring as the cool-guy act John puts on during his introduction to Juan and his "merry men". There is a point, albeit brief, that it seems the movie will start to take itself less seriously and become sort of a tongue-in-cheek Western/Comedy but that was just a tease. After it dipped it's toes in the humor pool it veered as far away from The Apple Dumpling Gang as a movie can go. Wait, that's not fair. The humor it flirted with was less The Apple Dumpling Gang than Rustler's Rhapsody but it did use a little of 1960's Disney animation overlay on live action. Confused? I was too.

John wasn't safe from the cheesecloth-intensive flashbacks either. This poor guy must have had people staring at him in confusion all the time as he often stared off into the distance, lost in an Irish memory of his Ireland days in the Irish IRA involving an unidentified Irish woman and an unidentified Irish man who don't say very much but are Irish. As if that wasn't irritating enough, those flashbacks are accompanied by a mysterious soundtrack with a female voice singing "shom-shom", or something. These flashbacks, by the way do nothing to distract from the fact that John's Irish accent comes and goes without warning.

The two heroes (anti-heroes?) finally get together and set up a plan to rob the bank of Juan's dreams but plot complications make short work of that idea. They become heroes of the Mexican Revolution! The problem is, the movie never really decides what it wants it's identity to be. Is it a buddy movie, an action movie, a comedy? If the decision was made, they didn't bother telling the audience. As I mentioned before Juan and John are aggressively unappealing as heroes and equally lousy as anti-heroes.

I could be wrong but it looks as though the end of the movie tries it's hand at a Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid conclusion but it seemed strained at best. *SIGH* I really wanted to like this movie.

C-

If it comes on the TV on a Sunday afternoon you don't have to change the channel but don't stop vacuuming the floor or whatever else you're doing because of it.

Trailer for Duck You Sucker

Trailer for A Fistful of Dollars

Trailer for For A Few Dollars More

Trailer for The Good The Bad and The Ugly

Trailer for The Apple Dumpling Gang

Clip from Rustler's Rhapsody

Trailer for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid