One Meeeeeleeon Dollars!

Simply because I can no longer pass up (or fail to pass off) an easy review of a movie that holds little interest for me. I now turn this over to our now relatively famous guest blogger and his review of James Cameron a.k.a Dr. Evil and his mind control machine, uh... movie.

Before you watch, I can't stress enough that because of some language and imagery they are not safe for work, children, or pets. But are stinkin' funny.

Part One

Part Two

Once again, each of these videos is about 8 to 10 minutes long but are worth it. As a teaser, did anyone else notice his reference to Vger? Maybe he's reading this blog too. Hmmm.

On another note I just watched a movie that was also a huge spectacle of a film but in this case almost no one cared about it. I know I have you on the edge of your seat but you'll just have to wait for our next installment.

The Fall of The Cheeseburger

Christmas vacation always provides at least one day in which the kiddos and I can see a movie. Thankfully, the trusty dollar cinema finally changed it's movie lineup and provided us with Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. On a side note, I finally solved the mystery of fluctuation in ticket prices. It seems Tuesdays are the "dollar" days and every other time is the $1.50 price. Our wise neighbor clearly knew this and it's why we often gather the kids together to see a movie at this time when they're all home from school for a while. Also, our trusty dollar cinema has provided more incentive to entice our patronage.
Did you catch it? The "Large" popcorn is only $6.00! Not the typical $10.! And that's not all, it comes with a re-fill! Wait, there's more, there's a little kiosk with flavors like 'ranch', 'cheddar', 'white cheddar', and 'caramel' that you can add to the popcorn if you like living on the edge. I was able to convince #1 Son that mixing 'ranch' and 'caramel' was probably a bad idea. I hope he doesn't resent me for it.

Imagine my surprise when upon entering the theater, the movie had already started. This is something I was unused to. We all know that if a movie starts at 2pm then it actually starts at 2:20pm because of the obligatory 20 minutes of previews and *shudder* commericals! Oh well, live and learn. I now know that my trusty dollar cinema not only has $6. popcorn but it starts it's movies when it says it will. Vehnkman, your opinion?

This was another movie from which I expected little. I knew it was probably going to be better than Space Chimps but I was willing to cut it some slack. Since I don't know how it starts I'll just start my own wandering ramble about the film. Flint Lockwood is our hero, he's an inventor that lives on an island who's only source of food is sardines and Flint is sick of that so he decides to invent a machine that turns water into any kind of food you choose. His father is growing quite tired of Flint's inventions and is ready for him to hang it up and come work with him in the family bait shop. By the way, they did a great job depicting the bait shop. It looks like almost every one I've ever been in. Even the one in Galveston Texas where a friend of mine and I were kicked out of for playing around on their two-wheel hand cart back in 1980-something. Good times...

Well the Mayor of the island decides to cash in on it's sardine image and pump up the tourist trade but Flint just happened to pick that time to test his new food making machine but it goes crazy and end up flying up into a cloud. About this time a weather reporter, Sam Sparks, from the national weather network runs into Flint and the machine gets going, but good! I don't know if it was just me but this was the point wherein I was reminded of a Steven Spielberg technique that I call the "people looking" take. There's probably an actual cinematic name for it but I don't know what it is. The CWACOM version can be seen in the trailer starting at 1:06. Steve uses it a lot as can be seen in this trailer for Jurassic Park, at about :53 seconds in. And in the Lost World Trailer at :41 and :50. Spielberg loves him some people, staring... with their mouths open.

Things on the island couldn't be better after that. People are loving all the food and it seems too good to be true! And since it seems too good to be true then we know where it's heading. Sam starts to see the trouble, several people do actually but the snowball effect has already started. The movie culminates in a scene reminiscent of the discovery of what Vger is in Star Trek the Motion Picture and kind of like the Dr. Who series in the '80s about the "Sever Teen" You'll understand if you've seen either one of those movie/shows.

It is really a very entertaining movie and I think I liked it as much as the kids. It's one of those movies that other adults annoy you with how many jokes are "really written for the grown-ups" when they feel embarrassed about seeing a kids movie. I, on the other hand have no problems with watching kids movies and I'll be the first to tell you about it. As a matter of fact, I just did.

Mr. T was great as the police officer. I've always liked him. Especially his Snickers commercials.

A-

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs trailer

Space Chimps trailer

Jurassic Park trailer

The Lost World trailer

Star Trek the Motion Picture trailer

Stop the Presses!

Reviews for Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs and Where The Wild Things Are are in the pipeline and will be posted here soon. However this can't wait. A present from my brother-in-law had just arrived and in it was none other than a DVD of Road House 2! Granted I never knew this movie even existed but now that I know and actually have a copy then there's no stopping me. Some of you may know my feelings toward Road House and all movies Roadhousian in nature. If you don't then feel free to look back to September (and earlier) posts to get the full story. And yes, you read it right. None other than Jake Busey (brother of Gary Busey) is co-starring in this cinematic event. What could go wrong? In the mean time, bask in the glory of a picture of the DVD taken by my phone until such time as I am able to view it and meet you back here to revel in the untamed cheese of it all!

Here's the Awesomely Awesome trailer for Road House 2

**UPDATE 3:44pm** It has come to my attention that Jake Busey is indeed not the brother of Gary Busey but his son. Go figure.

Best Movie Review Ever

I should qualify the title. This is the best, longest, and at times most disturbing movie review ever. My first thought was to hire this reviewer for my considerable stable of bloggers at double the normal salary of my staff. However the side story of this reviewer is not safe for work, children, or pets and this is a family blog.

The horror... The horror...

However if you can get past the incidental filthy language and the alarmingly unsettling side story then it's downright funny and accurate, albeit creepy. It's what we've all thought (except for the reviewers sideplot) and many of us have said but it's never been broken down in such a matter-of-fact, if not occasionally historically inacurate, way.

These videos are about 10 minutes long each so don't be in a hurry to watch the whole thing. It's worth it.

Yes really.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven



Pizza rolls.

Alien Graffiti

I was ready. I had my mind wrapped around the notion that we were going to see Aliens in the Attic. Like a gut punch that I knew was coming I steeled myself to roll with it to lessen the damage. But then, the clouds parted and the sun came out! The suggestion was made by my wise neighbor that we take the kiddos to see Planet 51 instead. Sure it's not in the dollar cinema yet but it's a matinee and it's only a couple of bucks more so why not?

Granted, Planet 51 is also a "little green alien" movie but it's all computer animated instead of CGI mixed with live action like Aliens in the Attic. But does that make it better? In this case, boy howdy YES! Wait, wait, I'm not really being fair. I haven't actually seen Aliens in the Attic so it's not really an informed decision to call it out for the cowpie-esque stinker of a movie it appears to be in it's own trailer. Don't believe me? See for yourself and click on the link (below) to see said trailer, if. you. dare! Well now, on to the movie we did see.

Planet 51 is a pleasant little summertime kids movie that doesn't try too hard to elicit any emotions one way or another from the audience. Eye candy but the sugar-free type to be sure. Let me explain. Justin Long is "Lem" who is a young adult resident of "Planet 51" just getting his legs in the grown-up world by striking out on his own, getting his first job, and trying to get the girl "Neera" played by Jessica Biel. You'll remember Justin Long from his "nice-guy Mac" role in the Apple vs. IBM commercials that are just irritating enough to make my ears bleed. Just as Lem (get it? Lem, like the Lunar Module from the Apollo space missions? See, it's funny because... aw, skip it.) is trying to get a date with Neera she gets distracted by the local hippy-dippy protest guru who wants to protest something so the plot of this movie will do just fine for him.

The movie is set in a 1950s era America even though it's on another planet. So I guess that makes the hippie alien a beatnik. Along comes an alien spacecraft landing in the middle of little green suburbia! The spacecraft is modeled after a Lunar Module (a Lem or LM. Lem, get it? the main charact... aw, skip it.) and out comes Chuck Baker, Astronaut played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and hilarity ensues. Now we add an angry General (Gary Oldman), a military made out to be bumbling fools (I know, SURPRISE!), and a dissection-eager scientist (John Cleese). Move on to chase scene, media misunderstanding, chase scene, noble sacrifice, some shooting, chase scene, happy ending.

I called it a "Summer Movie" earlier. By that I mean a movie that has a lot of outdoor activity scenes and is usually released in the big summer movie watching season. You know, people wearing summer clothes, barbecuing, lots of sunshine and plenty of scenes with long shadows, usually a buddy movie. This led me to believe that it was intended to be a summer release when it was made but someone who makes those decisions thought it wasn't quite up to snuff. That's why it was released in November. This reminded me of a conversation I had with my brother some years ago when I wondered out loud why a particular Disney animated cow movie was released in the spring time. He opened my eyes to the fact that many stinker movies that don't go directly to video are released before peak times to go ahead and let them slide through the theaters before they release the movies they think will really be the summer or Christmas season money-makers.

Overall not a bad movie. It shouldn't be long before it gets to the real dollar cinema but I'm not disappointed I didn't wait. The kids liked it enough but they didn't ask me to go to Burger King to get the kids meal toys anymore after the movie. That tells me they weren't excited about it any longer but weren't dissatisfied with it either.

B-

Planet 51 trailer

Aliens in the Attic trailer

Disney animated cow movie trailer

Forshadow in the Attic

Going to see Aliens in the Attic on Monday with the kids and the neighbors. The things I do for you.

Wish me luck. I go in with an open mind, and a jaundiced eye. Well, not literally. Y'know, the whole "conflicted" thing so I... ah, skip it.

You'll get the full report here, uh... soon.

The Shemp Question

It's been pretty slow around here for movies recently. Attempts have been made to go and see: G-Force, Where the Wild Things Are, and Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs but all have been scuttled for various reasons. To be fair, G-Force (Disney talking guinea pig movie) is currently the only dollar movie in young Larry, Moe, and Curly's "too see" list. Even though they want to see them all. I call the young'uns Larry, Moe, and Curly but that's probably unfair to them. Larry, after all, was not a Howard, he was a Fine. I suppose to be accurate I should call them "Shemp, Moe, and Curly" as Shemp was indeed a Howard brother like Moe and Curly.

I understand that this may start a fire under some of you. I can already feel the burning embers of hatred smoulder at the very mention of Shemp. I, on the other hand hold no such contempt for Shemp. He did, after all, pre-date Curly as an original Stooge. Then Shemp was to follow him again after Curly's illness. I even hold appreciation for the signature "Shemp catchphrase" such as it was. It was usually found when Shemp was scared or in some altered state. You can hate him all you want and have at it if it makes you feel better, although I believe your ire is misplaced. Any Three Stooges related derision should be directly aimed at the two "Joe's" (Besser and DeRita) for cheapening the memory of Curly Howard. There are some out there that may try to paint Joe Besser as someone who was not trying to be a "Curly Clone" as DeRita was but with that I must disagree. The "Overgrown Man-Child" bit was a shot aimed at the mold of Curly but was so far off the mark as to be, well, just sad. Shemp was his own Stooge with his own personality and why shouldn't he be? Curly was his brother, but the two Joe's could only succeed Curly, they could never replace him.

We Hardly Knew Ye

Shemp's Catchphrase (starts at 6:01)

The Curly Shuffle

G-Force trailer

Where the Wild Things Are trailer

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs trailer