Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Doomed From The Start

This was the first review I e-mailed of a movie that I did not see in a theater it was on September 30, 2008. I tell ya, I'm multi-faceted.

Saturday night I wasn't feeling very good at all. I think it had something to do with the hamburger grilled at the park in a friend-related picnic incident. Anyway I forced my way through getting kids dinner and getting them ready for bed as my head was swimming. After they finally went to bed I lay down and turned the TV on hoping for something watchable through my delirium. Conversation with a grown-up was out, as my wife had not yet returned from her trip to see her sister and family. Sadly, the best choices available were Doom and Health Inspector with Larry the Cable Guy. I grudgingly hit 'record' for both movies and started to watch Doom against my better judgment to simply put in The Godfather dvd to watch for the 743rd time. I decided to save Health Inspector for later but promised myself I'd actually watch it out of respect for Larry TCG's stand-up comedy expertise.

Doom is based on the popular computer game from a few years ago wherein Marines are sent to a Mars-based colony to rid it of zombies, various other monsters, and finally, demons. It has/had great scenery, visual effects, suspenseful noises, lots of cool guns, and events that jump out at you from all directions. The movie was a little different.

Doom, the movie, does indeed go to Mars but with a squad of marines made up of the typical stereotypes. They were The Commander, The Burly-but-Kind-Hearted Black Guy (usually the second to die in these types of movies), The Kid, The Slimy Jerk (you know that he's goin' down even if everyone else lives), The Reluctant Hero, and various other "filler" marines who may as well be wearing red Star Trek shirts. Surprisingly there was no Tough Female Marine-Who-Always-Has-To-Prove-Herself. I suppose this role was filled by the Smart-But-Uncommonly-Beautiful-Super-Intelligent-Scientist. Believe me when I say names are unimportant.

The movie may have had fantastic Mars vistas, but suspense was at a minimum, gunfire was common but the variety of guns promised didn't happen. Monsters in the game were many and varied, not so in the movie. Well... hold on a second, I may simply be too hasty in my judgment of what was or wasn't in this movie. Because you see, Doom made the bold move of not showing the audience what is going on, on screen. Aside from the occasional half-lit face, dim computer screen, or multiple flash of gunfire, the audience simply cannot see what is happening due to the welding mask that must have been placed over the camera lens.

Was this a bad movie? You betcha! I haven't wanted my hour and a half back this much since I made the mistake of using free movie tickets (won on a radio call-in contest) to see a similarly titled but in no way related Doom Generation back in the early 1990s. I think it was the only movie I ever walked out of. MAN was that a stinker! I actually considered asking for my money back and I didn't even pay for the ticket.

p.s.- The Larry The Cable Guy movie was exactly what you'd expect it to be so if you like that sort of thing, have at it.

Here's the Doom Trailer if you don't believe me.
Health Inspector trailer.
The Godfather trailer.
I refuse to link the Doom Generation trailer.

No comments:

Post a Comment