Tuesday, April 10, 2012

On The Rocks

Our old friend and part time movie reviewer Lance Boyle found this review for the movie 2012: Ice Age on Netflix. Yes, he's still paying for that silliness. Try not to give him too hard a time about it. It's either that or watch Xanadu on his Betamax for the 418th time. Anyway, despite the source, funny is funny.

"This movie was actually written and directed as an extra credit assignment by mrs. Jones' fourth grade special-education class at the school for borderline intellectual functioning children. They recieved an F minus, and were all subsequently executed for crimes against humanity. I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants. This was the dumbest movie that I have ever, in all of my life seen, ever, ever, ever. A crack smoking walrus and a bowl of corn flakes could have written a better plot line, and likely done a better job of acting. I would have torn my eyes out while I was watching, but the thought of having this abortion of a movie be the last thing I ever saw was beyond my ability to stomach. I have decided to spend the rest of my life trying to turn dog excrement into edible party favors, because that makes much more sense than this movie did. Lastly, if you ask me if I feel that I wasted an hour and a half of my life watching this assault on human dignity, I would answer with a resounding NO! After watching this 90 minute compilation of ultimate stupidity, I have lost at least 50 points from my IQ, and can now become a politician."

Well put.

So if you miss the halcyon days of Airport or The Towering Inferno or more recently Armageddon or Volcano then have at it. Otherwise you could just light $40 on fire instead of wasting it on the theater that made the poor choice of screening this grease trap of a movie. On a side note, That's Armageddon! looks pretty good.

trailer for Xanadu

trailer for 2012: Ice Age

trailer for Airport

trailer for The Towering Inferno

trailer for Armageddon (trailer for That's Armageddon!)

trailer for Volcano

Monday, January 16, 2012

Steampunk, For Kids!

This review of Hugo (based on the book: The Invention of Hugo Cabret) was submitted by one of TDP's many adoring fans, Lance Boyle. Some names may have been changed to protect the innocent. Enjoy.

On Saturday afternoon, the family went to the Big City (Houston, not Tomball) to see the movie Hugo in 3D at the Edwards Theater on I-10. Just before we went into the auditorium, Jedediah said he had to go to the restroom. It just so happened that the elder George Bush was in there at the time, too. Aside from the two Secret Service agents, Jed and George were the only ones in the very small restroom.
After the movie, Percephonie said, "Just think, Jed. You can go to school and tell people that you saw George Bush at the movie theater." Sensing some bragging rights, Jedediah said, "No. I can tell people that I saw George Bush in the restroom at the movie theater."

Atta boy!

It was a very good movie. Well-acted. Well-directed. Well-filmed. It is rated PG, but only for what I would consider mild stuff (such as a dog chasing a boy a couple of times, a man in a bathtub while wearing a union suit, the implication that a dad died in a museum fire, an orphan stealing an apple and crescent roll for a meal, and a few people smoking). There wasn't a single foul word in the movie. I don't even think there was an "OMG!" in it. I thought it was rated G, since it is no worse than many classic animated Disney movies, such as Bambi or Peter Pan. I'm guessing your kids would like to see it if they haven't already, but I think it's leaving theaters. Check it out on imdb.com if you are concerned about the rating.

Trailer for Hugo

Trailer for Bambi

Trailer for Peter Pan