Sunday, August 28, 2016

Liveblogging Jurassic World

The following movie review is from the website ACE of Soades HQ and can be found here: It's not a movie review website but often provides me with hours of entertainment. 

Jurassic Park World live blog 
How man times can the dinosaurs escape in Jurassic Park before they officially change the name of the resort to The Island of Unloved Children?
I really don't like these movies. I don't get them. I liked the first one okay and I kinda liked the third, but how many times can we see some mumbo-jumbo ("we genetically grafted Laser Beam Cannon DNA into the velociraptor because we thought it would make it more docile"), the same failed security system, the same kids in danger, the same Godzilla vs. Rodan fight?
This new one doesn't even star a dinosaur. It's just Godzilla.
Also, I swear, the special effects look worse and worse.
Update: Lena Dunham's boyfriend just said he would marry her "when they finally get the kinks worked out of Jurassic Park's security systems. And also, when they have Jurassic Park."
Update: This is like Harry Potter with more velociraptors and less quidditch.
Update: Private Pyle has a plan to, and I'm quite serious, release the velociraptors into the wild, trusting that they will follow orders like troops and hunt Godzilla for them.This is his plan. He thought about this before doing it.
I'm just waiting to find out if it works!!! Sounds crazy, but they called Charles Manson crazy too, and look at what he accomplished!!!
Update: the raptors are wearing Hannibal Lecter style anti-bite masks. I guess that makes sense. In a stupid kind of way.
Update: How long can Chris Pratt run/drive around with a bad-ass rifle looking like a bad-ass with a rifle without ever actually firing said rifle? So far, it turns out the answer is "the whole movie."
Maybe they should have just given him a walkie-talkie to aim at the monsters.
Update: Okay, prepare for a shock: The "let's set the raptors loose to hunt Godzilla plan" did not go according to plan. In fact, if you can believe this -- it seems to have made things worse.
Plot twists -- I love 'em!!!
Update: Private Pyle's all like, "My Attack Plan Raptor didn't work...? Whuhhhh...? Whuh duh fuh...?
Update: the movie wants me to worry that the raptors will kill the black guy but black people don't die in movies anymore except like a wise grandmother in a Tyler Perry movie
Update: When the wise grandmother dies, she grabs the heroine's hand and says, "Always... remember... where you come from..." and then everyone's like "so wise" and "what a light shining in the world" and then they play a song by Boyz 2 Men
Update: now they're in the back room where the Evil Science is performed and they're looking at Evil Aquarium Tanks
Update: Private Pyle is explaining his Evil Plan to field an army of dino-soldiers. No, I'm not kidding. Something about "Nature wants to help us fight for FREEDOM" or something
Update: He was just killed by a dinosaur. I never saw that coming. IRONY!!!
Update: I still don't think Chris Pratt has shot his rifle. Or even used it as a club. He just carries it around like a pocketbook.
Update: the raptors just want to be friends
Update: it's the same Climax situation as in the first Jurassic Park only stupider and with Godzilla instead of T Rex
Update: Chris Pratt is finally firing his gun. It's okay though because it's completely ineffectual.
Update: Oh God. I didn't think it could get dumber. It just did.Guess who they enlisted to fight for them? Hint: His name rhymes with Shmyrannosaurus Schmex. Why not just get those two little Japanese girls in the clamshell and summon Mothra?
Update: Schmyrannosaurus Schmex seems to outmatch the new one. Proving the original is better than the sequel.
Update: T. Rex is down. I think it would be awesome if he just started laughing, and the other monster didn't know what he was laughing about, but then the other monster started laughing just because, and then you see T. Rex has a BIG GUN STRAPPED TO HIS BACK WITH CHRISTMAS TAPE!!! Yippie ki-yay, Muppet-Felter!
Update: the sea monster just jumped out of nowhere to end the fight. It reminds me of "there's always a bigger fish" in the Phantom Menace.
Update: T. Rex is walking away, beaten but unbroken, like he's fucking Rocky. Like, we were all just rooting for him to go the distance against the Champ. Oh T. Rexy, you showed so much heart!!!
Update: tearful goodbyes. Several actors seem kind of embarrassed.
Update: They should sell bags in the gift shop that say "My kid went to Jurassic Park and all I got was this bag of his half-digested remains."

Credits joke: a bunch of people were credited for allegedly writing the "screenplay" and the "story." LOL. Good one!

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